When I was in school, I always thought I was going to be one of those girls who gets pregnant after school, even though I always used protection, I just felt that unlucky.
I hadn’t started my periods at all, but I was just under the impression that it was all because I was underweight.
I had quite a few teachers telling me I needed to gain weight and telling me to drink these special milkshakes to help you gain weight. I just didn’t have an appetite, I just never really ate, a typical days food would be, breakfast - plain crisps, lunch – water, or a cookie if I felt adventurous, tea – peas, or if I was out for the evening (which was a lot) nothing. I went on eating like this for a long time, I don’t remember how long really, it didn’t seem to affect me. I know that I was under eating a lot, but not on purpose. If my mum cooked a proper meal (she did most nights) I would have some but only a small portion.
Then after we left school, about a month after I went to college, I met Martin, and started eating, for some reason being with him has helped me eat, I'm still not a very good eater by any means (but this isn’t part of the story), 6 months later I had to go to the doctors as my periods hadn’t started, I had this lovely doctor she was softly spoken and so nice to talk to.
I had a few tests and was referred to the hospital to have a Ultra Sound, now at least I will know how it feels to have one thing from pregnancy. In the ultra sound, they looked at me funny, and told me to drink more water, which I did, and had to wait, they scanned me again, and still nothing.
I went to see this doctor, the was a gyne, she only let me go into the room with her, not my boyfriend not my mum, I asked it I could have them as it was obviously going to be bad news!
She sat me down (ALONE) and told me I was born without a womb, ovaries and had XY chromosomes. I could not have children, and I would never have a period. And the final thing she told me was I have testies inside me.
As she was saying all this her head was getting bigger and smaller, you know that thing when you hear your pulse and you feel like your about to have a panic attack or something, well that’s how I was feeling at the very moment she told me all that, I didn’t really hear any of it.
You don’t realise how much you want your OWN children until you are told you cant have any and at the age of 16, its not very nice.
Now that’s all for that for today, another extract another day!
I was thinking on the bus about the things that I really will miss about not having my own children (as I would only have a child if I got pregnant by accident). And I came up with the following things: -
- Giving her, her first Pink Personal Finsbury Filofax. (I even decided the one to give her)
- Platting her hair before she goes for her first day of school.
- Taking her shopping in Harrods and Benneton for clothes (yes I would be rich in this world haha)
- Having a spar day
- Having mummy and daughter days out.
There are just so many things.
And the one thing that I hate the most, I can never feel a child growing inside me, feel it kicking, just have all that.
Anyway after depressing you, I hope you enjoy your days.